Bill Clinton

America's First Black President

In a 1998 essay in the New Yorker, author Toni Morrison described Clinton as "our first black president. Blacker than any actual person who could ever be elected in our children's lifetime." She went on to say:

Clinton displays almost every trope of blackness: single-parent household, born poor, working-class, saxophone-playing, McDonald's-and-junk-food-loving boy from Arkansas.

This is just another reason that the Republicans absolutely hated Clinton. "He's getting votes from the minorities just for being poor white trash fercrissakes!" He drove them utterly apeshit. The Republican leadership of the House could barely conceal their contempt for the man in their photo ops and press conferences. As far as they were concerned, Clinton was nothing more than a smarmy hick, the former governor of a backwater southern state, and corrupt as fuck. A guy that even had to lie about not inhaling.

In 1994, conservative religious whore Jerry Falwell released the straight-to-video documentary "The Clinton Chronicles: An Investigation into the Alleged Criminal Activities of Bill Clinton." The preacher aired excerpts from the tape on his weekly television show The Old Time Gospel Hour. The back of the box said:

For the first time on video, a documentary that puts together the whole story! -- The names and faces of the key players who Clinton used to build his Circle of Power... as well as those who got in his way and lost their jobs, reputations, virtue, and lives! From Whitewater to ADFA... From millions in drug smuggling in Mena, Arkansas, to money laundering with the BCCI... From Gennifer Flowers to Paula Jones... From Vince Foster's "suicide" to the gangland slaying of private investigator Jerry Parks. THE CLINTON CHRONICLES uncovers the shocking truth the controlled media and Clintons don't want you to know!
Watch THE CLINTON CHRONICLES for the whole story. You won't find this anywhere else!

The 80-minute tape included footage of Jerry Falwell interviewing a silhouetted journalist who was afraid for his life. The journalist accused Clinton of orchestrating the deaths of several reporters and personal confidants who had gotten too close to his illegalities. All credibility evaporated when it was discovered that this "journalist" Falwell interviewed turned out to be the producer of the video. Not that it mattered. Falwell's fraudulent tape sold well anyway.

Soon Congress appointed Kenneth Starr as special prosecutor to investigate the President's involvement in the Whitewater real estate scandal. When the Starr Report was finally released, it contained almost nothing about Whitewater. Instead, it focused on Clinton's receipt of oral copulation in the Oval Office and subsequent lying about it under oath. The President had a difficult time trying to explain how his ejaculate encrusted itself on a dress belonging to plump White House intern Monica Lewinsky.

clinton_acquitted_cnn Clinton wound up impeached by the House of Representatives, although he was ultimately acquitted in the resulting Senate trial. Among the Congressmen who voted to impeach was Sonny Callahan (R-Alabama). One of the offending blowjobs in question had been performed during a telephone call between President Clinton and Callahan.

But what else could you expect from a guy whose personal hero was John F. Kennedy, himself known for frequently dipping the Presidential wick.

Clinton's legacy is survived by his wife Hillary Clinton (Senator, D-NY) and his Attorney General Janet Reno's failed attempt to run for Governor of Florida.

Member, Council on Foreign Relations.

In the movie Primary Colors, Clinton's character was played by John Travolta.

timeline

`17 May 1946`	William Jefferson Blythe II killed in automobile accident, near Sikeston MO.
`19 Aug 1946`	William Jefferson Blythe III born, Hope AR.
`26 Oct 1947`	Hillary Rodham born, Chicago IL.
`1968`	B.A., International Affairs, Georgetown University.
`1973`	Graduates Yale law school.
`11 Oct 1975`	Marries Hillary Clinton.
`25 Apr 1978`	Arkansas state attorney general Bill Clinton allegedly rapes 35-year-old nursing home proprietor Juanita Broaddrick at the Camelot Inn in Little Rock. Broaddrick does not come forward with her story until 1998.
`1978`	Elected governor of Arkansas, age 32.
`27 Feb 1980`	Daughter Chelsea Victoria Clinton born. Named after the song "Chelsea Morning," by Joni Mitchell (1969).
`8 May 1991`	In a room at Little Rock's Excelsior Hotel, Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton exposes his penis to state employee Paula Jones and propositions her to perform fellatio. In her civil deposition, Jones will later claim to have witnessed certain "distinguishing characteristics" of the governor's genitalia, the precise nature of which soon becomes the subject of much speculation. For her trouble, Jones eventually receives an out-of-court settlement for $850,000 and a nude pictorial in Penthouse magazine.
`27 Jan 1992`	Candidate Bill Clinton and Gennifer Flowers mutually accuse each other of lying about whether or not they had a 12-year adulterous relationship, between 1977 and 1989. Of course, from Clinton's 1998 testimony we know for a fact that they did. For her trouble, Flowers eventually receives an out-of-court settlement for $800,000 and a nude pictorial in Penthouse magazine.
`29 Mar 1992`	Arkansas Governor and Presidential candidate Bill Clinton tells the New York Times: "When I was in England, I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn't like it. I didn't inhale, and never tried it again."
`3 Nov 1992`	Elected 42nd President of United States.
`11 Feb 1993`	President Clinton nominates the beautiful Janet Reno to be US Attorney General.
`28 May 1993`	After being interrupted by AIDS protesters during a speech in Philadelphia, President Clinton opines: "Let me tell you something -- Wait a minute. You know one things that's wrong with this country? Everybody gets a chance to have their fair say."
`19 Jul 1993`	President Clinton unveils the universally-unpopular "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" rule. One person summarizes the policy: "the military now permits gays to remain in the military, provided they don't act like fairies."
`23 Dec 1993`	On his television show The 700 Club, Pat Robertson declares: "God and morality, the Clinton administration wants out of the country."
`8 Feb 1994`	President Bill Clinton shares part of his past with a bunch of General Motors employees: "When I was a younger man and had a life, I owned an El Camino pickup in the '70s. It was a real sort of Southern deal. I had Astroturf in the back. You don't want to know why, but I did."
`18 Feb 1994`	On his television show The 700 Club, Pat Robertson declares: "These socialists, and they're in there now, starting with the President and his associates ... they want to squeeze out religion because if people read the Bible, they can't be enslaved. You'll never have a socialist government where everybody's Christian."
`19 Apr 1994`	During an appearance on MTV's Enough is Enough, "When we got organized as a country and we wrote a fairly radical Constitution with a radical Bill of Rights, giving a radical amount of individual freedom to Americans... And so a lot of people say there's too much personal freedom. When personal freedom's being abused, you have to move to limit it."
`12 Sep 1994`	After a night of boozing and smoking crack, Frank Corder steals a Cessna P150 and crashes it into the south lawn of the White House. The wreckage tumbles over a tree and a hedge before coming to rest against the West Wing of the Executive Mansion. Corder's flamboyant suicide attack never actually imperiled President Clinton's life, since the First Family was sleeping elsewhere at the time.
`29 Oct 1994`	Armed with a semi-automatic rifle, Colorado upholsterer Francisco Duran fires 27 shots at the White House from the sidewalk on Pennsylvania Ave. Because he opted for Chinese-made SKS rifle, few of Duran's shots come anywhere near the building. Nevertheless, he receives a life sentence for attempting to assassinate President Clinton.
`5 May 1995`	During commencement at Michigan State University, President Clinton declares: "There is nothing patriotic about hating your country, or pretending that you can love your country but despise your government."
`Jun 1995`	Monica Lewinsky, 21, comes to the White House as an unpaid intern, working for the office of the Chief of Staff. Later, she'll come in the White House.
`15 Nov 1995`	Bill Clinton gets a blowjob from Monica Lewinsky in a private study in the White House while on the phone with Reps. Jim Chapman and John Tanner. Duuude.
`8 Jun 1996`	In his weekly radio address, President Bill Clinton reminisces: "I have vivid and painful memories of black churches being burned in my own state when I was a child." Two days later, after it became clear that no black churches were burned in Arkansas during that period, a deputy White House press secretary clarifies: "The President's recollection is that there were burnings of some black community buildings in the '50s when he was a child."
`29 Aug 1996`	Dick Morris, the top political adviser to President Bill Clinton and also a married man, resigns abruptly after the Star reveals his long-term relationship with a Washington prostitute. Morris had divulged secret White House information to Sherry Rowlands, even allowing the hooker to secretly listen in on some of his telephone conversations with the President.
`8 Nov 1997`	President Bill Clinton speaks at a dinner sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign, the nation's largest gay rights organization. It is the first time an American president has so addressed a gathering of sodomites.
`9 Nov 1997`	On Meet the Press, President Bill Clinton declares: "It's funny, you know -- I haven't eaten at McDonald's a single time since I've been President." White House spokesman Joe Lockhart later clarifies that the President has enjoyed McDonald's coffee on a number of occasions.
`19 Jun 1998`	The online scandal sheet Drudge Report breaks the story about Monica Lewinsky and her affair with Clinton, unexpectedly causing the peak in Internet Investigative Journalism for the forseeable future.
`6 Apr 1998`	Discussing the assault weapons ban, President Clinton observes: "As everyone knows, you don't need an Uzi to go deer hunting. You don't need an AK-47 to go skeet shooting."
`1998`	John Travolta plays Bill Clinton in Primary Colors.
`15 Mar 1998`	White House aide Kathleen Willey claims on the trashy TV tabloid program 60 Minutes that President Bill Clinton kissed her, touched her breasts and made her touch his "no-no place." Clinton of course denies this version of events.
`9 Dec 1999`	President Bill Clinton signs legislation outlawing "crush videos," which generally involve women stomping frogs, mice, or other small animals with high heels. This fetish is definitely a niche market.
`15 Feb 2000`	During a White House conference on Internet security, Mudge becomes the first Cult of the Dead Cow member ever to brief the President of the United States.
`22 Oct 2003`	On Crossfire, Jerry Falwell explains that God arranged for President Clinton to be elected (and re-elected) so that Americans would beg for somebody else: "I think that we needed Bill Clinton, because we turned our backs on the Lord and we needed a bad President to get our attention again. To pray for a good President. That's what I believe."
`Oct 2003`	During a trip to Spain, former President Bill Clinton tells reporters that British Prime Minister Tony Blair's recent heart arrhythmia didn't surprise him: "I've known about this for a long time. He told me about it quite a few years ago." For their part, Blair's people dispute the claim.

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